DANGER ZONE

This is my first time writing since before Slam in the Sand, so pay attention, this is important.

How's the neck?

Everyone's a comedian right? I get emails, comments, people stop me on the street and make fun of my neck brace. Now I'm through giving Johnny Serious exposure, and I'm gonna make it clear right now. Johnny Serious is the past, Nick Dangerous is the future. Instead of asking about how my neck is feeling and thinking you're hilarious, you should all be asking Johnny Serious how his squeaky clean reputation is feeling now that he showed his true colors on Sunday. Ask him how his back's feeling. Ask him how many years have been erased from his career because he stepped in the ring with a Weapon. Moving on.

Back in the Saddle

If Nick Dangerous returning to the ring wasn't historic enough, I make my return to the commentary booth while Robbie Hart has his night at the town with the beautiful Mary-Joe Wolf. Other than being a guest from time to time I haven't been paid to be behind the booth for ten years. Now normally I'd have nothing but ill will towards the man who finds going on a date to be more important than his work, but then I realize that he's working alongside one of the most biased play by play commentators I have ever heard in my career, Lance Wilden.

I used to do play by play myself. Back when I was play by play, it was my job to just call the moves. Someone does a headlock? Tell the world that we're witnessing a headlock. What Lance Wilden seems to think is it's his job to play armchair psychiatrist. You can clearly see his favorites. He slanders half the company without any basis or reason. Now I won't claim that I don't have opinions of my own, but I'm a journalist, it's my job to have opinions. It's Wilden's job to call the action. That's it, just call the action, don't call Chazz Mendel a son of a bitch because he's outted the real Christian Roman before you could say pompous egotist. Don't call Jacob Baxter a Bastard just because he's been better than Josh Cantrell for the last two months, just call the action, shut your mouth.

My time behind the booth will be different this time around because I've never done colour commentary. I'm anxious to get in there and spread the truth around, Wilden's indoctrinated cWo fans to believe in falsehoods and opinions based mostly on his prehistoric way of thinking. Every time Wilden opens his mouth you can feel his longing for the old days, where everyone was on steroids and traded homophobic slurs. Manningham, ASM, Chris Michaels, Dade Davis, impressionable mind would hear these names and immediately cringe, but say them to Wilden, and he'll grow a pair of wings, flutter in the air, and swoon at the sweet scent of yesterday.

I fully expect to open some eyes, open some minds, and expose the wrestling world to the way things truly are. Some people thought they could avoid my columns, but they can't avoid John Pilchard. I'm coming to Driven, I'm bringing a big sack of truth with me and whether you're naughty or nice I'm cramming it down all your chimneys, it's Christmas come early. Why? "Because I'm John Pilchard." And Lance if you're reading this, call the action, and shut up.